The return of the ali-mal.

My good friend Anita occasionally has far too much to drink and becomes obnoxious, difficult, unhinged and quite frankly....nuts. On those occasions we call her 'Angemal' to embrace her animalistic qualities.

I, of late, have become my own special breed. The Ali-mal. It's fairly similar, but it's a slightly more self involved version because well, it's me.

I think it all stems from lots of changes in live. No. Not the menopause just yet (although I am getting those fecking oestrogen patches on my face after being in the sun which I was horrified to find out are known as 'widowers' something or other-geeez give me a break). The main change is that I decided that it was high time I took a long hard look at myself and work out what I want from life. Turned out I didn't want a boyfriend who wasn't around very much and when he was there wasn't the easiest company. And turned out that I'm really very bad at being with someone- just one person, long term.

So off the back of this has emerged a shiny, new (old), frisky, mischevious Ali. Old enough to know better but not overly fussed. Last weekend I actually threw up down my own t-shirt and this morning I spent the morning diagnosing what I must have eaten last night from the contents of the work sink. I'm embracing my fun side. I'm booking up to do things I'd never have done this time last year...like going to Glastonbury. ME! At Glastonbury. No more Maldives for me, I'm a changed lady. Hmmmmmmmm.

My resolution is to update my blog more frequently. So watch this space..

The big sulk

Sometimes in life too much happens and this means that keeping a blog becomes increasingly difficult- what do you give your time and love to? Should I cover important issues, or funny ones?

I have to also confess a slightly childish sulk at not being short listed for the Brighton and Hove Poxy Web awards. I mean those two bit hippies wouldn’t know a decent funny blog if it jumped up and bit them on their hemp covered bottoms (Dan and Jonathan’s blog aside of course). Anyway, enough is enough- what exactly has been going on in my life.

I’ll keep it to bullet points so you’re all in the picture without being desperately bored:

1) Holiday to Thailand- Bangkok- Chiang Mai, Samui, Koh Tao. Lovely- ate my own body weight in noodles and coconut milk and rather annoyingly didn’t pick up a severe case of the trots to shed aforementioned weight seamlessly. Am now moderate heifer. Managed fair few dives and took in some decent scenery including several strip joints and temples (and other places of worship). Met a lovely baby Elephant at the Elephant hospital, fell in love. Hairy little devil.

2) Day I left for holiday to Thailand got made redundant (whole company when into administration). Fantastic timing. Not only that but was told that I, along with all of my colleagues, would not be getting paid for the previous months work, or the 2 weeks of holiday I was about to leave for (in 4 hours!) or my notice period. Marvelous. Skint. Not able to undertake usual several hundred pound duty free binge. Ate sweaty 59p burger instead. Sulked.

3) Returned to family crisis- Dad has told Mum about new girlfriend. Mum slammed down phone. Communications meltdown. Torn between the two.

4) Return to Court Summons for unpaid Council Tax- a slight concern given awful financial circumstances. Thankfully all sorted now.

5) Am officially unemployed for 1 week. Make the heinous error of putting my CV on Monster in the ‘searchable’ section. Plagued by irritating swarm of recruitment consultants each more smarmy than the last. Become friend’s bitch dropping off dry cleaning, undertaking odd jobs. Feel lost and bored.

6) Start new job in Fulham. Bitch of a commute and longer working hours- 9-6pm. Due to ‘issues’ with my old employer have to be employed as a contractor = bag of shite as no holiday pay, sickness pay etc. On upside, some ‘financial stability’ over the Christmas period. No pay before x mas though so presents for family are looking grim- home made cookies anyone?

7) As luck would have it without 2 days of starting work pick up horrid bug and feel like have swallowed 10 razors. Have to work as overdraft is straining and bulging and Mr Bank Manager refusing to budge on any more handouts. Miserable fucker. Thank goodness for lovely boyfriend.

8) I think that’s about it. Of course there are lots more funny stories like the fact that Natalie’s boyfriend had to go and collect Dot Cotton from Croydon for a funeral over the weekend and the fact that Lindsey met Daniel Craig at the BAFTAS on Sunday, but they all make my poor, overdrawn existence seem depressing so I won’t dwell.

9) Steve’s talking about taking me to Tahiti in the New Year- must be exemplary girlfriend in meanwhile with minimal whining to stand chance. Without him I’d be holidaying in Skeggers for next decade.

10) I’ve been ill. This takes up lots of time moaning and whinging.

And that's me- bet you're glad you bothered!

Commitment phobes and the gainfully unemployed

Oh its all about phobias - 2 whole posts while the rightful blogger has been away and the best I can muster is phobias and making it a bit sam centric.

Ali will be back next week to write up about her holiday and maybe any issues she is having about being one of the unwashed masses :) For now though you will have to make do with yet another from me.

When Ali left I promised faithfully to make sure I kept up some interest in her blog and put something (anything) on here ever day. Did I heck. But then neither did the last guest bloggers so at least I am in a quietly ashamed little gang of meant well friends. Ali is due back and the sum total of blogs is two on her return - utterly shameful - but I can explain. I am also unemployed with a boytoy in the city who just about manages to grin and bare it. However much to everyones surprise I don't actually have a free minute to myself. Ok I do, but I fill it with useful things like sending letters to the solicitors or tending to the gas men fitting the boiler or reading because I promised faithfully (again) that I would have that book review in or going for a lunch time coffee with friends or a boozy lunch. Seriously now I don't know how people manage to have a life and work a 45 hour week. When I do work (which sometimes I have to) my house falls apart. Theres washing up left in the sink for days, theres a build up of dust that would disgust Kim and Aggie, the boytoy gets fed any old crud thats in the cupboard because I haven't managed to shop that week. The the weekend comes and it is taken up with cleaning and food shopping and paying for bills.

Obviously when Ali gets home she will be straight on to finding another job to keep her in shoes and handbags (and incidentals like a roof over her head) but I suspect she will struggle to actually find time. I don't miss slogging my guts out for a minute and I have a sneaking suspicion that neither will Ms Petite.

Back to normal soon, and I am sorry to say that, although giving my opinion is one of my favourite things to do as regular readers will know, I won't miss the commitment that a daily blog brings and I will be glad to get back to being gainfully unemployed

Odd Phobias

Anyone have one?
Until last Thursday night I was held high on a pedestal of Nutterdom that my worst phobia was tidal waves. This seemed ridiculous to most of my friends given we live(d) on the South East Coast which happens to be attached to the English Channel, one of the most unassuming bodies of water in the Northern Hemisphere.
Nice – that’s what the English Channel is. Until of course we bugger up the planet so royally that 3m high tidal surges are about to become the norm. The first I heard about the imminent danger my children were in was when son younger called to say he would be home early that Friday as school was closed (during the week they live on the most easterly point of England, somewhere called Lowestoft, which is so dull that Norfolk won't admit to it) due to adverse weather conditions. Well I thought this rather odd given there was no bad weather happening up above us and although they were 100 miles away a bit of rain never hurt anyone and it certainly wasn't about to snow so I checked the schools website for closures which is when the panic set in. My worst fear realised. Day After Tomorrow happening in Norfolk at 7am the following morning. I spent the next 3 hours trying hard not to worry but had to go via the children’s godfather for information which even he had to be pressured into getting for me (oh the trivialities of relationships). I was desperate to tell their father to get them out of their right now - Lowestoft was being advised to evacuate for God’s sake. What was he doing watching TV and sniggering at the hysterical ex wife for her melodrama.
The news just wouldn't give up on it (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7085394.stm) and of course this fuelled my fears. By bedtime the boytoy had thrown enough gin into me that he could get a decent nights sleep and I passed out with the alarm set for 7am when the wave was due to hit the East Coast.
Boytoy and I woke at 7am Friday morning to watch the surfers of Great Yarmouth and Lowestoft having the time of their lives. A little bit of flooding up the coast but nothing that couldn't be dealt with and certainly not the massive loss of life that was expected the night before. This wasn't really any succor for my soul though. My children are now in danger of being in the English version of some Hollywood type end of the world and my worst fears are justified. Can't help but feel a little smug though that, once again, even though it may have taken a good many years to prove it, I was RIGHT. HA!!!

Ali Update

Hello there people. I am the assistant blogger while Ali is away sunning herself in Thailand. And what better place for her to be than on holiday given the day before she left she was "let go". I'm not giving anything away here and she asked that I cover this before her return so she can get on with stories of elephants up cliffs and how long she spent in the jacuzzi.

Clearly life over there in the slow lane is getting to her and she is worrying about just how much gossip she is missing out on. And so we don't forget her some of her bestest friends got a text at 4am this morning letting us know she is alive and well and possibly a bit squiffy. Bless

Now I have finally worked out how to get into the blog I shall be posting at least one more but I don't want anyone getting all excited and thinking I will be in the least bit more interesting than handbags, shoes or my latest star spot (Griff Rhys Jones so you know)

Ttfn

Right then people, just a quick post to say that as of today, I'm away on my holidays until 19th November, so you'll have a well deserved break from my ramlings and bullshit.

That said- I have found a guest blogger replacement in the form of my friend Samantha, who many of you will know. She is equally as well qualified as me to ramble, procrastinate and talk utter bollocks (I know she'll agree). Infact, being several years my senior, with two teenage boys, she is no doubt better qualified.

I will bid you farewell. When I get back it seems there's a very very good chance I could be unemployed as the future of my agency is looking very bleak at the moment. Infact I've not been paid for the last month of work I've done and as I type I'm sitting in the office working for free. Despite increasing my overdraft by £2k my finances look dire and I could well be about to depart on a 2 week holiday for which I won't get any holiday cover. Fantastic! That'll learn me working for a cute small company.

At least this will give me lots of humourous stuff to write about, and I'll be beginning my campaign in Thailand on Steve to see if he'll agree to me becoming a kept woman. It could be the ideal time to start up that dog sanctuary I've always dreamed about.....

I'll catch up with you all soon,

Over and out for now xxx

Party- the low down.

I'm sure you're all dying to hear about how the party went and I only wish I was able to tell you with any degree of certainty.

Unfortunately my funny story telling abilities are hampered somewhat by just how trashed I got, but I'm pretty sure a good time was had by all (especially me).

These are my top funny party moments (though some are funnier in hindsight and some are more cringe worthy)

1) Steve in silver boots

Having size 6 feet is often problematic for Steve. In most situations it's because shops just don't start their men's ranges from such a tiny size. At parties- it's because women all insist on him wearing their shoes. At one stage I remember Steve staggering into my bedroom wearing brown knee high furry boots and the next thing I know, he's wearing some metallic silver pointy knee highs with silver heels. He always pretends he hates it, but I recall him posing for some dubious pictures. Keep an eye on face book for these.

2) Pseudo lessie behaviour

Do you think perhaps it might have been a boy who suggested it was a good idea for all us girls to compare the colours of our nipples whilst kissing and being photographed? Hmmmmmm, I would have thought so. It's a good job we were sober enough to tut and cast our eyes to heaven and pull our tops up to our chins shaking our heads disapprovingly. Yes, this IS what happened. As Lindsey said, let's hope none of us ever become famous, put it this way, we won't be applying for any reality TV shows too smartish. Although we'd be bloody good in them.

3) Lindsey and the album

I found Lindsey on her bed with a tortured looking little brother by her side. She was thumbing through old albums talking in detail about every last shot and explaining EXACTLY how she felt about them. Her little brother was trying so hard to make appropriate comments and not look ridiculously bored. She then told him she'd seen him with an erection- embarrassing sister, eat your heart out.

4) Fireworks

Despite being a very budding and talented illustrator, our confidence was not 100% invested in Matt Ox's ability to create a seamless and safe fireworks display. In fact, at 11pm, when we all gathered on the pavement and peered up at the roof terrace the rockets which peeked over the top reminded me of sniper's guns and I was all too aware that there was a VERY good chance that we could well be in the line of fire. Thankfully it was all fine, and Matt got to blow up some things which kept him happy. Lots of the fireworks shot over into trees so we couldn't see them from the pavement, but they made very loud bangs, and let's face it, that's all that really matters.

5) The copper

Ok, so inviting a copper to a house party isn’t the first thing that springs to mind, but he's a very good old friend of mine and luckily he was easy to pick out with his short back and sides and stripy shirt. Whilst he tried very hard to be cool about the debauchery others didn't do quite as good a job reciprocating. In fact at any one time I think there was a good 2 metre gap around him and I could sense lots of paranoia and gossiping. Thankfully he left at midnight before it all got very out of hand.

6) The lost voice

Where ever Laura goes, men fall in love with her and my party was, of course, no exception. By the end of the night, she'd done so much chattering, smoking and social butterflying, she came bursting into my room, flung herself on the bed and tried to talk and only high pitched squeals and screeching came out. We promptly administered more booze and fags and she was fine.

7) The Phantom smearer

We've all seen it in public loos, but yes, it was on show in the downstairs bathroom. Someone had taken it upon themselves to smear poo on the wall next to the toilet. When I told Steve he said to me that we should be pleased that there were no white hand towels in the bathroom- needless to say at a recent party he'd attended someone had taken it upon themselves to wipe their bottom on the hand towel and leave behind all kinds of evidence. Apparently we got away lightly. It didn't feel like it yesterday morning with a stinking hangover and a jay cloth trying not to gag.

8) Sam's tights

Sam managed to get dishevelled very rapidly throughout the party and at one point looked very much like her and her tights had had a very nasty encounter with a bramble bush. Perhaps it was just that Gavin couldn't contain himself, but at the end of the evening, she rather flamboyantly declared they were coming off and they did- with legs flailing and a' kimbo. Marvellous.

I'm sure there was much more, but I'll need to see some pictures first to jog my memory.

I lost a £25 Marks and Spencer's voucher, some green beads, some shoes and all of my weed. Very annoying. Thankfully Sam had all but one of these things. Hurrah! Steve managed to misplace £50, which wasn't so helpfully returned. What a wally.

A massive thanks in particular to all the Brighton contingent who made a huge effort to come all the way from the seaside, it meant so much to me....and I can't believe you all went home at 5am....nutters! To Jonathan- I'm so gutted you missed out on the fun, you would have had a blast- next time.