Back from hols....with a bump

Being back from holiday is awful, it’s doubly awful when you have to change your gloating facebook profile from ‘ha de ha, in your faces, I’m going on holiday to, ‘I’m back and I’m peeling and miserable’.

We had a really lovely time and I have come back happy, but sporting a rather embarrassing holiday injury- a large bruise which spans the entire right cheek of my bottom. This was acquired at Benidorm water park, a collection of terrifying water slides, most of which I would have thought were stupidly tame in my youth, but now they scare the living daylights out of me.

One of them, ‘la cresta’ (yes, I should have known) was a near vertical lunge in a two seater double ‘ring’. The incline was so steep you almost felt like you were going to flip over forwards, then you went hurtling down the slide out on to an upwards sloping ski slope type affair and then backwards at high speed over various bumps until being spewed into the water pool at the bottom (minus bikini top every time).

I went on this godforsaken thing 3 times, each time the heart palpitations got worse and the final time I could barely breath I was so scared. Spurred on by Steve to ‘have fun’, off we went. Unfortunatly for me, I was badly prepared for the ride and my bottom was not elevated on the double ring, but resting on the slide. It proceeded to be hammered, torn, bashed and ripped (some people might find that erotic but I can assure you, it wasn’t) until the bottom where I limped away clutching my right cheek close to tears. It wasn’t until we got home when Steve pointed out I look like I’ve been spanked from here to timbucktoo…ouch.

What else to tell…well, the alcoholic sister and crack head didn’t make it over to Spain whilst we were there, which was a great shame. Of course it meant we were able to drink to our heart’s content….hooray.

Steve and I took the jeep out for a couple of days to explore the local area, and despite the use of a tom tom, we managed to get horribly lost and of course have a barny (this I feel is excusable as all couples have barneys when in cars, even Sam and Gavin). The argument came to a head with me getting out of the car which Steve had screeched to the side of the road and storming off down some dust track in 38 degrees heat.

Thankfully I found a nice friendly tree to have a damn good sulk under and ignored Steve’s shouts that he was going to drive off and leave me. Which of course, he did! It wasn’t til he’d driven off that I realised I had no phone, no money, no idea where I was, and appeared to be sitting on a rather large red ants nest. Brilliant. Luckily for me, 15 minutes later a lovely air conditioned Mercedes containing Steve’s mum’s boyfriend pulled up by the side of the road and the window went down to reveal ‘Jingle Jangle’ John, who simply said ‘get in the car Ali’ so I did (with my best petulant teenagers scowl on my face) and we drove home in silence. When we got there Steve called me an idiot, John told me off for wandering off in that kind of heat without any water and I had to go and ‘have a lie down’. I secretly quite enjoyed behaving like such a big old kid, but I mustn’t make a habit of it.

Back down to earth with a big old bump, reality check of my hugely increased weight- 1 stone over the last year- and I’m now a fully paid up member of my gym and a weekly regular at the aqua conditioning class where I do gentle bouncing around and leg wobbles in a pool full of pregnant people- (got to build up slowly- last time I went bonkers with 60 lengths I did my neck in!).

Whilst away I got the results of my tests, or so I thought. The lovely Lindsey texted me to say that I had a normal result, which was strange as on the day of my examination they said that I was certain to need treatment. I phoned the clinic today and it turned out that the result they sent through was a load a old tosh and not related to my biopsy at all (they took a smear without me knowing basically, the results of which were fine). This doesn’t necessarily mean the other results will be fine though, so the consultant is writing to me about that today…fingers crossed that’s all clear as well.

Enough about lady gardens…and enough rambling. Over and out! (Dan, Dave- how’s the big re-design going?)