The handbag guide.

When a girl receives a new handbag she is faced with a whole host of difficult decisions about where to place things. Many men wouldn’t recognise that this is a matter of real importance but it’s something which must be given proper consideration. No smirking please.

Below is the guide to placement of key handbag items, in order of importance:

1) Wallet

The wallet is your most precious material possession. It must be kept secure and safe, but be able to be whipped out faster than a cowboy shouts ‘draw’. Instant access to your wallet prevents silly pointless time consuming contemplations such as:

‘Can I really afford to buy this new pairs of boots?’

Equally however, thought must be given to those occasions when you really would rather not be paying. At these times, the wallet must be deep enough within the inner sanctum of the bag so as to allow for genuine fumbling and a look of sorrow and confusion as you dramatically ‘give up’. Most times in the company of boys this will get you off the hook. If you’re with your boyfriend then yes, the occasion extra favour may have to be granted- you don’t have to actually deliver all the time. It’s a numbers game.

2) Mobile

Speed is of the essence, you need to be able to answer your calls with break neck efficiency. You also need to be able to grab your phone for texting in any moments of boredom or where you risk looking like a loser, i.e when you’re being kept waiting in a pub, or on a street corner (try to avoid this at all costs). My phone is currently nestled with my wallet within the bosom of the bag, but I think it needs some re-assessment. My lunchtime experience in Marks and Spencers proved unequivocally that this coupling simply won’t work- trying to grab my phone and my wallet stubbornly blocking my path simply won’t do. I think that my pocket is going to have to do for now.


3) Ipod

The essential accompaniment for the modern day strut. If you want to maintain your bounce down the street it’s very important you have the correct tunes to help you on your way. Equally if you’re being a miserable, self absorbed harridan you must be able to put on some misery inducing crap in one fell swoop (Tracy Chapman is rather good for this). The ipod is much further down on your list of treasured possessions- you have your laptop for back up and let’s face it; long before it gets nicked its battery life will dwindle into nothingness. This means you can afford to have this somewhere without any real security. In my case I have a lovely side pocket with no zip for easy lunge and play access.

4) Keys

This is a tough one- you need them to be tucked away somewhere safe, but on the occasions where you are arrive at your front door with someone else who also has a set, you need to be able to do enough scrabbling so that by the time you find your keys, the door is already open and in you go, voila! If you’re drunk then you’ll rely on shaking your bag to locate your keys so make sure they are in a place where some shaking won’t allow them to fall out. If you’re really drunk, you might not notice and then you face a night on the cold front door steps.

5) Grooming items

This includes the following: hair straighteners, hair brush, mirror, lip gloss, back up make-up bag, a pair of flip flops in summer or flats in winter. Why? High heels are a girl’s best friend as we all know, especially for those of us who are vertically challenged and tend towards podgy leggedness. However no-one looks good with a scrunched up ‘ouch’ face, so do try and carry some spares just in case of blisters, broken heels, or impromptu distance walking. Ideally, bags should have a hidden rather large compartment to house all of these grooming items. To the outside world you appear to seamlessly maintain a highly manicured appearance whilst only carrying a wallet, keys and your ipod. Marvellous! No-one needs to know that you’d look like Aunt Sally within an hour if you were to lose the bag.


So boys, if you ever ask your girlfriend to carry for wallet, passport, sunglasses, camera and you’re met with a frosty reception then you know why. The handbag is a finely honed female assisting device- without it we’re just skin, teeth, bones and hair. I think you’ll agree, not a pretty prospect.