Gulliver's place
For the first time in my fairly hefty life, I feel like a lilliputian.
Although I am at best described as 'average' at worst described as 'short', at the moment myself and my wonderful landlady/buddy are feeling bijou, teeny weeny and diddy, all at once.
Why? Said landlady's gulliverish boyfriend has moved in, and brought with him lots of giant sized man-things. These include a plate which is the size of a small planet and a towel which could wrap up an entire class of small children after a swimming lesson. All of our feminine ways have been thrown into disarray. Last night for example, we attempted our first meal as a threesome. It was a lovely meal of mamma's special sauce and brown rice. Very worthy, very yummy, and very vegetarian.
The boyfriend, who we will refer to as SW, could not hide his disgust at us tucking into this meal which was sadly lacking in animal flesh. In addition, he was not amused by our love of programmes such as 'ten years younger' and presumably will not be too chuffed when he realises the extent of our reality TV addiction.
Disgruntled, SW made his way into his bedroom where he proceeded to set up his miscellaneous games console and played a game which had gratuitous shooting, swearing, pimps, hookers and crime.
Are men and women designed to live together? Perhaps having flats above one another joined by a firemans pole for rare occasions when interaction is strictly necessary is the way forward?
By the way, did I mention how wonderful my friend Anita is? She's the master of random dinners and clean glass shelves. Long may she prosper.
15 comments:
Well I for one was drawn to the same Reality TV last night. For all of those who missed '10 Years Younger', this was the shocking transformation that took place...
http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/0-9/10yy/episode3.html
I was actually quite frightened by it.
________________
Ali P, can you add the anonymous comments option to your Blog so that I can in future enter the fact that I sometimes watch Reality TV under an assumed name that won't be linked to my rather highbrow Development Website. : )
Yes, it was truly amazing.
Anita and I were having that discussion as to whether it was correct to be advocating such extreme plastic surgery.
That kind of surgery would have cost somewhere in the region of £100k.
It kind of diminishes the role of the gene pool of natural lookers like you and I Dan, if even disgusting mingers can be made to look half decent.
hehehehe.
Nicky Hambleton-Jones is the devil. Let's quote Charlie Brooker:
"She's slightly synthetic and ethereal; the ghost of a listless graphic designer. Weirder still, for someone fronting a show about facelifts, her own face is almost entirely featureless. She looks like Mrs Spoon from Button Moon. She looks like a baby new potato in glasses. She looks like Michael Jackson's mugshot snap. But most of all she looks like a Crayola sketch drawn by a very very stupid child. There's a Ten Years Younger spin-off book in the shops right now: the front cover features a simple cartoon drawing of Nicky Hambleton-Jones, and curiously, it looks more like her than her actual photo does. She's a freak. How DARE she tell other people what to do with their faces when she hasn't grown one of her own?"
'hasn't grown one of her own' GENIUS. and so true.
I'm always slightly envious of her vast collection of designer specs, although they all have a touch of the Dame Edna's about them.
Nicky Hambleton-Jones is from Mars, I've had it checked...
I shocked L last night by saying I thought the toothless old hag they had rejuvenated was now better looking than N H-J.
How old do we think N H-J is by the way? I'd say 42.
Nah, not quite. Maybe thirty nine.
Actually, she's 35. But yes, she looks rubbish for it, doesn't she?
Gillian! I always thought you were the kind, supportive type and one to embrace the 'inner (and outer)ming'.
Who are you calling 'rubbish', McKeith, you old hag? Keep out of my business and stick to what you're good at (ie, rooting around in people's fecal matter). As for the rest of you, how much do you earn? Exactly.
Stay oot of my face.
I have studied the metaphysics and epistemology of the face of Ms Hambleton-Jones and I conclude that her age is approximately 34.
Happy Holidays!
Is she really 35? Her hair is so lustrous!!!!
Mine went grey during my twenties! How unfair is that? Seeing the likes of Hambleton-Jones flaunting their hair on national television makes me sick! Ten years younger? If only. In my case it was twenty years older, just like that! Bang! Goodbye to a successful children's career! Hello to sitting on a sofa with bloody Fern Britten every day.
What about 'Test The Nation', I hear who you say! Some career renaissance that was! Replaced after one series by Danny sodding Wallace. No talent and a hoxton finn! I should coco.
And one episode of 'Now Or Never' before it was axed! 1.7m paltry viewers! Even Gordon The Gopher does better than that, and he's on the bloody after-dinner circuit! "As a commercial broadcaster ITV is occasionally forced to take decisions like this to protect the schedule as a whole and the programme in question", they said! Scum.
They call me the silver fox! Silver fuck off, more like. Going Live?! Going to hell in a handcart more like! Well, the likes of Ms Hambleton-Jones will go grey one day too! And then they'll know what it is to suffer!!!
Reality TV? I've lived it, mate.
Nice blog, by the way.
I'm with you Mr Schofield. All those years as Secretary General of the United Nations and I'm already forgotten!
So there was the Rwandan Genocide on my watch. So what! Those damn Americans have had it in for me since I started. Pah!
I voted Gordon The Gopher as my replacement but instead they got that guy in from Ghana. Oh well.
Lovely Blog by the way, certainly better than the New York Times.
Peace Y'all,
Boutros Boutros Booooooutros Gali
Shut it, you fackin' muppets! I'm the Lord of TV and if you don't like it, I'll fackin' well slice you up proper, you slags.
I've just heard Ali isn't very well and is stuck in bed. She has a LAptop though so might be able to read this.
I'm sure I speak for all yournew found readers Ali in wishing you a speedy recovery!
Shut it, Dan, you melon. You don't speak for me, you bleedin' heart liberal sap! Rot in hell Petitt, YOU GET RIGHT UP MY NOSE!!
Post a Comment