How not to run a restaurant.

Forget Egon Ronay, this is the essential 'ali p' guide of how not to run a restaurant, inspired by a trip to 'The Little Buddha' the poor, unloved, second cousin of the prosperous and always packed to the rafters 'Red Snapper' at the 7dials.

I always looked in on the Little Buddha with pity when I ambled by, wondering why it was that they always appeared to be scantily populated whilst just 5 doors down, the concept of 'bring-your-own-booze-and-thai-food' was sustaining a roaring trade.

Don't get me wrong. The Snapper is hardly michelin star material, and often you have cold plates, the wrong food served at random times so that one of you might be on dessert whilst the others are waiting for starters....but it's cosy, welcoming, friendly, the food is good and great value, and it's a home from home.

The Buddha on the other hand is like a dysfunctional family member who everyone pretends they don't know.

We arrived and sat at any old table (there were plenty free) and it was at least ten-fifteen minutes before the sole member of staff noticed someone had walked in the restaurant. When he did see us, he looked shocked and rather fed up at the prospect of any waitering.

The 'waiter' (who was probably the cook aswell) took our orders then proceeded to stand looking miserable with his arms crossed the whole evening, probably because it was so cold in there. We ate, it was ok, and then we asked to see the dessert menu and for some coffees etc. There was a 10 minute gap and we were given the bill. After asking again for the menu, we were met with, 'No, we're closing'. No polite, 'I'm afraid we can't offer you dessert'. Just the bill.

To add insult to injury, the place doesn't take credit cards or infact plastic of any kind. I haven't carried cash since March 1992, so this was rather shocking to say the least. I had to peg it to the nearest cash-point. We were then practically evicted from the premises when the clock struck 11.30pm.

No wonder the place is always empty. I have no pity, they should take their lead from their neighbours, the fat cat Red Snapper. Cheap and cheerful, should be just that.

(I've got PMT)